Before Donnie gets the ball rolling, he wants to clear something up. For the sake of this article, the term "MILF" will refer to any female on television in the 1990's who would have been old enough to have a little brat running around. They do not need to play the role of a mother on television, or even be a mom in real life. It doesn't need to make sense. I'm DONNIE, Dammit. Now on with the finely aged lady-broads...
NUMBER 10
Norma Arnold
(Alley Mills) Wonder Years 1988–1993
You don't have to be tripped up on 60's acid to realize this MILF could teach the younger guys a thing or two... in the sack. No "wonder" Fred Savage heard voices in his head.
NUMBER 9
Carol Brady
(Florence Henderson) The Bradys 1990
The things this woman could do with that Wesson Oil makes Donnie's mind plunge into the nasty. A good nasty.
NUMBER 8
Carol Lambert
(Suzanne Somers) Step By Step 1991–1998
She went from bubbly, BOUNCY Chrissy Snow, to mothering a group of whiny little turd sacks in a Brady Bunch rip-off. Oh, well. She still had nice cans.
NUMBER 7
Fran Fine
(Fran Drescher) The Nanny 1993–1999
Come on. You know you had a crush on your baby sitter. Now imagine Franny Fine shows up on your doorstep to powder your tush. That's enough to make you drop a trouser-deuce on purpose.
NUMBER 6
Kate Tanner
(Anne Schedeen) Alf 1986-1990
A hairy little man from another planet crashed his spaceship into her garage just to get a shot at eating her "cat". 'Nuff Said.
NUMBER 5
Sandy Hogan
(Sandy Duncan) The Hogan Family 1986–1991
After Valerie left her family, Sandy appeared and left America wanting her sweet box... of Triscuits.
NUMBER 4
Miss Yvonne
(Lynne Marie Stewart) Pee-Wee's Playhouse 1986–1991
Even though Mr. Window sometimes sounded like he had a mouth full of balls when he announced her arrival, Miss Yvonne was always a highlight on Saturday mornings. The most beautiful woman in puppet land. Graceful. Warm smile. And incredibly well endowed. The secret word is, BOOBINS!
NUMBER 3
NUMBER 3
Xena
(Lucy Lawless) Xena: Warrior Princess 1995–2001
Those eyes. That body. And who could forget the infamous XENA BATTLE CRY? One night with Xena, and you know your whole place would be trashed, you would be sore from head to toe, covered in cuts and bruises... but it would be so worth it. AH-LALALALALALALA!
NUMBER 2
Ms. Musso
(Melanie Chartoff) Parker Lewis Can't Lose 1990–1993
She knows how to take control of younger guys. Once her blood starts pumpin', glass shatters into a billion pieces in a climactic explosion. Ahhhh. The things she could do with that thumb.
NUMBER 1
Elvira
(Cassandra Peterson) Elvira's Movie Macabre 1981–1993
Yes, the Queen of Halloween. The Goddess of Goth. The woman with the huge... talent. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark! That's a lovely sofa. Tell Donnie there's "room for one more". Unpleasant dreams? Not if Elvira is BUSTing into them.
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Did you agree with Donnie's choices? Is there someone Donnie forgot? Does it even matter what anyone else thinks? The answer is, who cares? These chicks can get Donnie's mojo workin'. And Donnie would be honored to accept their money in exchange for sexual favors any time.
Later, turds.
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